Enter Botman
by DeltaSilver88
Summary: So... 'chuckle'. Here are a few songfics I've written. The first is a creepy and wacky songfic inspirated by indigoink's Con Warp. This time it's the Autobots... with Metallica's 'Enter Sandman!
1. Enter Botman

So, I got this strange idea after reading indigo-ink's Con Warp (thanks for the laughs, btw!). A really odd image of the Armada 'Bots singing Metallica's Enter Sandman. That's a really creepy sort of song, and I can't help but burst out laughing when I see the events of this oddity. I hope it doesn't matter if I use some similar ideas, indigo-ink.

**ENTER BOTMAN**

(The setting: the Autobot base, in the warp gate room... trust me, that's a good spot.)

Hoist's voice: _Are you guys ready?_

(A big crash and a yelp from Sideswipe indicate that they're not quite ready.)

Jetfire's voice: _Do you ALWAYS have to trip up and knock something over?_

Hot Shot's voice: _Um, could ya help a little with this, Hoist? Ready... lift! ... There! Take your positions, everyone!_

(A really creepy lighting occurs and Hot Shot, Sideswipe, Jetfire and Red Alert are seen wearing black, hooded capes. The hoods are drawn over their eyes, showing only their lower faces... or face plate in Jetfire's case.)

(Hot Shot starts the first guitar, and after that Hoist joins in with the deep, menacing drum beats. And then... Jetfire joins in with the second guitar. Then, in the start of the real melody, Sideswipe comes in with the bass and Red Alert with the keyboard... I always wonder how he does it with one hand, but it miraculously happens every time. The positioning of the players goes like this: Hot Shot is on the front left, Jetfire is on the right left. Sideswipe is positioned a little behind Hot Shot, while Red Alert is behind Jetfire. In the back, straight ahead, is Hoist with the drum set.)

(All of a sudden the lights dim a little and a big puff of theatre smoke whirls in... and after the puff of smoke clears, a black figure steps forward with his hood drawn even deeper than the others.)

A really creepy voice: Say your prayers little one  
Don't forget, my son  
To include everyone  
Tuck you in, warm within  
keep you free from sin  
till the sandman he comes  
sleep with one eye open  
gripping your pillow tight

CHORUS (The Creepy One with Hot Shot and Sideswipe)  
Exit, light  
Enter, Night  
Take my hand  
we're off to never-never land

(Hot Shot and Jetfire step a little forward and play the melody again, while Sideswipe tries to keep on playing and at the same time trying to free himself from the tangled mass of wires he's got himself into.)

The Creepy One: Something's wrong, shut the light  
heavy thoughts tonight  
And they aren't of snow white  
dreams of war, dreams of liars  
dreams of dragon's fire  
and of things that will bite  
sleep with one eye open  
gripping your pillow tight

CHORUS (The Creepy One with Hot Shot and Sideswipe)  
Exit, light  
Enter, Night  
Take my hand  
we're off to never-never land

SOLO

(So, the solo... Hot Shot starts playing really loudly... can't even describe that! You might just get an image of him holding the guitar vertically and playing. ;))

The Creepy One: Now I lay me down to sleep

Sideswipe: Now I lay me down to sleep

The CO: I pray the Lord my soul to keep

Sideswipe: I pray the Lord my soul to keep

The CO: If I die before I wake

Sideswipe: If I die before I wake

The CO: I pray the Lord my soul to take  
Sideswipe: I pray the Lord my soul to take

(Yeah, I know the kid's voice doesn't sound like Sideswipe... c'mon, imagine!)

The Creepy One with Hot Shot: Hush little baby, don't say a word  
Never mind that noise you heard  
It's just the beasts under your bed  
In your closet, in your head

CHORUS (The Creepy One with Hot Shot and Sideswipe)  
Exit, light  
Enter, Night  
Grain of sand  
we're off to never-never land

CHORUS (The Creepy One with Hot Shot and Sideswipe)  
Exit, light  
Enter, Night  
Take my hand  
we're off to never-never land

(Then the ominous laughter comes forth, and then, all of a sudden, the black ominous figure tilts his head upwards, and the hood falls down his neck...)

Blurr: BOO!

AD LIB TO FADE

(And during the fading of the music Blurr keeps on singing the lines with a quiet voice.)

(Just then Optimus and Scavenger step in and stare at them all. Their gazes keep on bouncing from Hot Shot to Sideswipe to Hoist to Blurr to Jetfire to Red Alert and back for about a minute. Then they just shrug and keep on going down the hall. The six others glance at each other and collapse into heaps of laughing, guffawing and chuckling mechs... and, then, out of all beings, Red Alert manages to rip off a wire and a falling amplifier falls on his head. The ripped wire starts bouncing around like a snake, giving shocks to everyone until Hot Shot tries to grab it, topples over Sideswipe, falls flat on his face and manages to get a gigantic roof lamp to fall on them. In the back, Hoist has accidentally fallen from his seat and hit his head against the back wall. Jetfire and Blurr both shrug and are about to walk from the stage, when the forgotten, ripped wire zaps them both and gets them to jump. Jetfire engages his boosters by accident and flies headfirst into the roof and drops down, knocking another amplifier down and towards Blurr's head.)

(Well... when Optimus and Scavenger walked past the place next time, they both stared wide-opticked at all of them. Then they walked in, set everything back to where they belonged and dragged all the bots to the medbay.)

Scavenger: _You know, they'll have a terrible headache when they wake up._

Optimus: _Yep... Do you think they'll ever realize that we dragged the drum set near the wall and positioned the amplifiers so that they would fall down by a slightest knock?_

Scavenger: _Nah... no way. Hey... they're stirring. We'd better scoot._


	2. G1 Dinobot Rap

**Author's Note:** I created this in approximately five minutes. I had this idea pop into my mind for some odd reason. This rap is sung by the Dinobots, but without the 'Me Grimlock's' and other horrid speech mistakes. This song also features two of my own Dinobots. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot:

**Disclaimer:** The Transformers belong to Hasbro, except my own Dinos. The lyrics belong to me.

**Author's (second) Note:** And now I present to you:

**G1 Dinobot Rap**

Grimlock, Slag, Snarl, Sludge, Swoop in unison: We are the Dinobots, dino, dino, bo-bo-bots! And we are gonna get the Decepticons!

Grimlock: Dinobots, we transform to dinosaurs!

Swoop: And got involved in the Earthen Wars!

Snarl: We are Grimlock, Snarl and Slag -

Slag: And Sludge and Swoop - we'll be back!

Sludge: I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout!

Slag: Yeah, you're not bright, beyond doubt!

Grimlock: Shut up, Slag, or I'll bite you!

Swoop: And I'll bring in the rest of the crew!

Swift: I'm Second-in-Command, the Raptor of the team!

Spout: And I'm Spout, the Elasmosaur, be gone in a breem!

Grimlock and Dinobots (Swift and Spout, too): We are the Dinobots, dino, dino, bo-bo-bots! And we are gonna get the Decepticons!

Grimlock: Yeah, the Cons are gonna get it!

Snarl: And I fight as I see fit!

Slag: I just wanna fight rough!

Swoop: And I help when it gets tough!

Sludge: And I just quake 'n quake around!

Swift: We throw the Cons into a mound!

Spout: And when the job gets done...

All Dinobots: We'll all be gone!

Grimlock: Assemble! Dinobots, to Cybertron!

All Dinobots: We're comin' home, so beware, Megatron!


	3. Gee Officer Soundwave

**Author's Note:** This is my version of 'Gee, Officer Krupke' from West Side Story. Of course the Transformers here belong to Hasbro and the song belongs to whoever wrote, composed and performed it. Oh, yeah, to äKristalShaga: I am writing the Hound Dog -one. At least I try to write it and, if it turns out good, I'll post it here. I'm writing it into the form of a story, so it'll be a little longer than these others and there'll be a lot more action and dialogue than before.

**Gee, Officer Soundwave**

**SUNG BY**

**The Decepticons**

RIFF: Starscream

ACTION: Ramjet

A-RAB: Skywarp

SNOWBOY: Dirge

TIGER: Thundercracker

JOYBOY: Astrotrain

BABY JOHN: Thrust

MOUTHPIECE: Blitzwing

ICE: Frenzy

OFFICER KRUPKE: Soundwave

LIEUTENANT SCHRANK: Megatron

**STARSCREAM** (spoken)

See 'em Bots. They believe everything they hear 'bout us cruddy D-Cons. So that's what we give 'em; somethin' to believe in.

**THUNDERCRACKER** (spoken) (walks up to Starscream)  
(imitating Soundwave)  
Hey, you!

**STARSCREAM** (spoken, innocently) (points his hands at himself)  
Who, me, Officer Soundwave?

**THUNDERCRACKER** (spoken) (points his 'fake-nightstick' at Starscream)  
(as Soundwave)  
Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason  
For not draggin' ya down to the  
Stationhouse, ya punk. (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick'... Starscream drops on his knees)

**STARSCREAM** (sings)  
Dear kindly Sergeant Soundwave,  
Ya gotta understand--  
It's just our bringin' upke (raises his hands up)  
That gets us outta hand.  
Our mothers all are junkies, (makes a face)  
Our fathers all are drunks. (makes another face)  
Golly Moses -- natcherly we're punks. (stands up)

**ALL**  
Gee, Officer Soundwave, we're very upset;  
We never had the love that every  
Child oughta get.  
We ain't no delinquents,  
We're misunderstood.   
Deep down inside us there is good!

**STARSCREAM**   
There is good!

**ALL**  
There is good, there is good,  
There is untapped good.  
Like inside, the worse of us is good. (they laugh and dance in circles)

**THUNDERCRACKER** (imitating Soundwave)  
That's a touchin' good story. (fake-wipes his optics)

**STARSCREAM** (points his arm up)  
Lemme tell it to the world!

**THUNDERCRACKER** (imitating Soundwave) (hits Starscream on the head again)  
Just tell it to the Judge.

**STARSCREAM** (to Dirge) (does the raspberry... ?)  
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,  
My parents treat me rough. (hits his leg)  
With all their marijuana,  
They won't give me a puff.  
They didn't wanna have me,  
But somehow I was had. (makes the 'Oh God, why me?' -pose)  
Leapin' lizards --that's why I'm so bad! (puts his face on his hands and starts fake pouting)

**DIRGE** (imitating a Judge)  
Right! (draws Thundercracker close to his face)  
Officer Soundwave, you're really a square; (makes a square with his hands)  
This boy don't need a judge, he  
Needs a analysis's care!  
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed-- (circles hand around Starscream's head)  
He's psychologically disturbed. (turns upside down on the table, with his feet and arms facing the sky.. starts clapping his hands together, arms still straight)

**STARSCREAM**   
I'm disturbed! (points his hand at Dirge's head)

**ALL**   
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,  
We're the most disturbed,  
Like we're psychologically disturbed. (they start going wakko, Starscream turns around and around, pretending to be a screaming maniac... which is quite close to the truth... XD)

**DIRGE** (still acting part of Judge)(spoken) (hits the table with the gavel two times)  
Hear ye, Hear ye! In the opinion  
Of this court, this child is  
Depraved on account he ain't had a normal home. 

**STARSCREAM** (spoken)  
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived! (Dirge takes TC's 'nightstick' and hits Starscream on the head with it)

**DIRGE** (as judge - spoken)  
So take him to a headshrinker. (points) You!

**RAMJET **(spoken) (points his hands at himself)

Who, me? (the other D-Cons take him to the next place) (puts glasses on... sorry, couldn't resist... XD)

**STARSCREAM** (to Ramjet)(sings)  
My Daddy beats my Mommy,  
My Mommy clobbers me,  
My Grandpa is a Commie,  
My Grandma pushes tea. (starts to get up)  
My sister wears a moustache, (makes a 'moustache-twirl' with his fingers)  
My brother wears a dress.  
Goodness Gracious, that's why I'm a mess! (spreads his arms wide and does a 'backwards-handstand' on the bench)

**RAMJET** (as psychiatrist, German accent)  
Yes! (gets up)  
Officer Soundwave, he shouldn't be here. (slaps Thundercracker in the face)  
This boy don't need a couch, he needs  
A useful career. (Starscream gets on his stomach and Ramjet sits on his back)  
Society's played him a terrible trick, (pats Starscream on the head)  
Und sociologically he's sick! (Starscream bolts up and Ramjet bounces off with his hand up in 'explanation-style')

**STARSCREAM** (points his finger at his head)  
I am sick!

**ALL**  
We are sick, we are sick,  
We are sick sick sick  
Like we're sociologically sick! (they go wakko again, with Starscream doing a handstand and jumping... he falls on his stomach and turns around to be on his back... Ramjet places his foot on his stomach)

**RAMJET** (speaks as psychiatrist, German accent)  
In my opinion, this child does not need  
To have his head shrunk at all. (emphasizes this by bringing his hands together)  
Juvenile delinquency is purely a   
Social disease. (points his finger up)

**STARSCREAM** (spoken)  
Hey, I got a social disease! (Ramjet takes the 'nightstick' and hits Starscream on the head)

**RAMJET** (spoken as psychiatrist, German accent)  
So take him to a social worker!

(spoken)

Which way?

**RAMJET** (spoken as psychiatrist, German accent)

That way. (points behind him, where Skywarp's getting ready)

**STARSCREAM** (to Skywarp)(sings) (with his hands cupped on Skywarp's face)  
Dear kindly social worker,  
They tell me get a job,  
Like be a soda-jerker, (Skywarp's picking Starscream's hands off with fake repulsion)  
Which means like be a slob. (Starscream 'spits' in Skywarp's optic, who wipes it)  
It's not I'm anti-social,  
I'm only anti-work. (yells this fully in Skywarp's face)  
Gloryosky, that's why I'm a jerk! (wipes his hands on Skywarp)

**SKYWARP** (as social worker)  
Eek! (hits Starscream on the chest, who backflips down on the street)  
Officer Soundwave, you've done it again. (shakes his hand at Thundercracker)  
This boy don't need a job, he needs a  
Year in the pen. (slaps Starscream on the face, Starscream does a face)  
It ain't just a question of misunderstood; (he takes Starscream 'behind the bars')  
Deep down inside him, he's no good! (he slaps Starscream's hand)

**STARSCREAM**   
I'm no good! (he slaps his own hand)

**ALL** (slapping each other's hands)  
We're no good, we're no good,   
We're no earthly good,  
Like the best of us is no damn good! (they still slap each other... Starscream is taken out of the 'cage' and somebody grabs him and he makes a strange face again... gasps his breath... ?)

**DIRGE**  
The trouble is he's lazy. (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick')

**ASTROTRAIN**   
The trouble is he drinks (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick')

**THRUST**  
The trouble is he's crazy. (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick')

**SKYWARP**   
The trouble is he stinks, (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick')

**BLITZWING**  
The trouble is he's growing. (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick')

**RAMJET**   
The trouble is he's grown! (hits Starscream on the head with the 'nightstick')

**ALL**  
Soundwave, we got troubles of our own! (they toss Starscream into Thundercracker's arms) (the others get down on their knees)  
Gee, Officer Soundwave,  
We're down on our knees.

**STARSCREAM** (sings)

'Cause no one wants a fella with  
A social disease. (Thundercracker drops Starscream on the ground and dusts his arms)

**ALL**  
Gee, Officer Soundwave,  
What are we to do? (Starscream jumps up, takes the 'nightstick' from under TC's arm)  
Gee, Officer Soundwave -- (Starscream hits TC on the head with the 'nightstick)  
Frag you! (Thundercracker falls down on his back, fake unconscious)

(Megatron, Soundwave and the rest of the D-Cons are in a corner laughing their heads off)


	4. Smoke On The Water

**Author's Note:** This one had been lying around in my head for about six months. I just love the idea about the Armada Decepticons going and singing Deep Purple's (See? A matching band name, too!) 'Smoke On The Water'.

**Smoke On The Water**

"...YAWN!" Starscream was just about to go to recharge again when something made him see stars. "OW!"

"Rise and shine, ol' shiney!" a cheerful voice greeted him with a well-known cackle.

"...Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Starscream asked as peevishly as he could, trying to scare the annoying copter-bot away from him.

"Didnja remember that we're having that 'special mission' today?" another voice asked, stressing the words 'special' and 'mission'. Starscream frowned.

"Nah... what are you talking about?" he asked, forgetting to sound peevish.

"Have you already forgotten? This soon? Listen... you remember that time when Megatron canceled our singing when Demolisher tripped over the control table and everything around the base went haywire? We're having _that_ special mission." Cyclonus whispered. Starscream's optics widened and soon after a grin appeared on his face.

"Lets do this."

The three Decepticons (Starscream, Cyclonus and Wheeljack) were casually walking down the corridor which led towards Demolisher's quarters, and were about to wake him up, too, when...

"Why are you all here?" a little voice asked. Cyclonus almost jumped out of his armor. They turned to look at their respective Minicons. The speaker was Blackout.

"Um... and could we join you?" Swindle, always ready for a thrill, asked. The four Decepticons looked at each other and grinned.

"Sure, why not? Wind Sheer, c'mon." Wheeljack said and led them around the base. They had chosen a place quite far from Megatron and the electrical equipment. They made sure that there weren't any surveillance cameras around either.

"Wait... what about Thrust? He could be around here somewhere, being the sneaky bastard he is." Cyclonus asked quietly.

"He's not here. I heard that Megatron send him to Earth for some spying mission. And Tidal Wave's gone with him." Demolisher replied after he had positioned a heavy amplifier.

"Everything's ready now. Is everything OK in there?" Wheeljack hollered. Wind Sheer showed him the A-Okay -sign. The Cons and the Minis disappeared behind the curtains.

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(Suddenly music starts spewing from somewhere. Swindle and Crumplezone walk on stage with Transformer-sized microphones. Suddenly a spotlight comes on and reveals Starscream and Cyclonus standing by their side.)

Swindle: We all came out to Montreux  
On the lake Geneva shoreline

(From offstage a voice asks, "What's he talking about? We've never been there". Another answers, "That's a part of the lyrics, you dolt!". The first replies, "...Oh".)

Crumplezone: To make records with a mobile  
We didn't have much time

(A quiet snicker is heard just as the spotlight is aimed straight at Crumplezone's face. The Minicon yells, "YAARGHHH!", accompanied by a burst of low-voiced laughter.)

Starscream (gives Crumplezone an odd look): Frank zappa and the mothers  
Were at the best place around

(Four guffawing voices sound forth from offstage. Starscream gives a glare behind him.)

Cyclonus: But some stupid with a flare gun  
Burned the place to the ground

(A voice from offstage, "Yeah, probably you". Cyclonus throws his hands up in the air in the 'Oh Primus, why me?' -pose.)

Starscream and Swindle: Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

Cyclonus and Crumplezone: Smoke on the water

(The spotlight moves a bit to the left and reveals Blackout and Wind Sheer standing next to Demolisher. Wheeljack is nowhere in sight.)

Blackout: They burned down the gambling house  
It died with an awful sound

(A cackle from Cyclonus and then, "How can a _building_ die? These humans sure have the strangest vocabulary". Demolisher glares at the copter-bot and says, "How would you know? You got an F from the Nebulan language".)

Wind Sheer: Funky claude was running in and out  
Pulling kids out the ground

(Wind Sheer frowns and asks, "What the hell did that mean?".)

Demolisher (with a really gruff voice): When it all was over  
We had to find another place

(A silence... and then, "Wow. Never knew Demolisher could sing so well".)

Wheeljack (from the shadows): But swiss time was running out  
It seemed that we would lose the race

Demolisher and Blackout: Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

Wheeljack and Wind Sheer: Smoke on the water

Starscream, Cyclonus, and Minis: We ended up at the grand hotel  
It was empty cold and bare

(Swindle says suddenly, "Oh, that reminds me of that movie 'The Day After Tomorrow'. Ya know, the one where a whole city froze up?". Starscream slaps his forehead and mutters, "Why did I end up with a dolt like you?".)

Demolisher, Wheeljack, and Minis: But with the rolling truck stones thing just outside  
Making our music there

(A guffaw was heard from offstage, a form thinking to himself, "Those lyrics just don't make sense...".)

The four Decepticons: With a few red lights and a few old beds  
We make a place to sweat

(The Minicons burst into laughter and Crumplezone decides to get his revenge. He aims his gun over Wheeljack and shoots. The ceiling starts to crumble. Wheeljack looks above him and mutters, "Uh-oh..." and then a crash is heard. A yell from Wheeljack and a rattling noise tell them that Wheeljack's just getting his aft burned.)

The four Minicons: No matter what we get out of this  
I know we'll never forget

(Crumplezone says, "Yeah, surely we won't forget". Wheeljack runs past them and jumps, lands on his aft and skids to a halt... if you've seen Transformers Victory 16 'Rescue Gaihawk', then you must know the scene with Hellbat and his aft-skid...)

All eight of them: Smoke on the water, fire in the sky

A quiet voice from offstage: Smoke on the water

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"What the... who was that?" Wheeljack asked from his spot on the floor. He gazed up and into the black space behind the curtains. They all inspected the place, but found nothing.

"Ah, I guess we're just hearing things. Or maybe it was just Sideways' ghost or something." Cyclonus cackled loudly. Starscream shook his head.

_"Yeah, right. A ghost..."_ he shook his head again and walked out of the room.

Many meters away from the place, in a small room, a quiet figure is sitting on a recharge berth, laughing his head off.

"Well, that was a good performance from those guys. Heh... the lyrics just don't make sense, but it was funny."

The well-known figure chuckled quietly and started thinking about his next battle tactic.


End file.
